creatingpositivechange

"In Every Nursery There Are Ghosts" (Fraiberg)

KEY WORDS: maps - subjectivity – virtual other – internal representation

Motivational speakers often point out “change is easy” – all you have to do is follow a few simple rules and you can transform your life.

I’m not saying this is not true, but I am fascinated by the complexities of creating lasting change through a deeper understanding of how we’ve grown up from the time we were born, and even before.

One of the presuppositions in NLP is “to respect each other’s maps” so we work with a person’s subjective experience knowing that the past shapes present perceptions as we anticipate the next moment in time.

According to Aitken and Trevarthen, the concept of the “Virtual Other” (Siegel:1990:102) is the internal image we hold of our primary caregiver which is out of awareness yet present in our everyday communication.

In other words, the “Virtual Other” in NLP terms is an internal representation coded using our senses of smell, taste, touch, sight and sound. As infants we develop this capacity within our first year and this helps us to hold an absent parent in mind.

As we grow, we expand our set of “Virtual Others” to include key people in our life who ‘invisibly’ shape us over time and who come to life unexpectedly as we communicate with people in different contexts!

So, for example, you may or may not have had the experience of realising you suddenly said something which sounded just like your mother, or other people tell you you’re turning into her! This may or may not be good news!

As you consider the next time you’re talking to someone and you’re not getting the results you want, maybe you’re not just communicating to who you think you are or perhaps it’s your ability to perceive which is being blocked by one of your own “Virtual Others”!

I’m choosing to end on a ‘right brain’ note by including a short verse from the Finnish writer, Eva Kilpi:

As grandmothers die,
They become flowering meadows,
And some grandmothers become trees,
Singing and whispering to their grandchildren,
Protecting them from rain and wind,
They spread their boughs to create huts
Of snow to shelter them.
But before that they are passionate.

REFERENCES

S. Fraiberg, E. Adelson & V. Shapiro, 1975, ‘Ghosts in the nursery: a psychoanalytic approach to the problems of impaired infant-mother relationships’, Journal of Amer
Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 14, no. 3, pp. 387-421.

D.J.Siegel. (1999). The Developing Mind, Guildford Publications, Inc.. New York

We all need people

I've been browsing through websites doing some research on personal development.  The cynic in me notices the clever use of celebrity endorsement and highly niched target marketing, and I'm left wondering if everyone is saying the same thing, just differently?

What does impact me is how we can't do it alone on this earth .... meaning we do need one another for a source of support and inspiration.  So whether we connect to one person or another perhaps is irrelevant and it's more about who speaks to us the most.  In some ways it's as though these people know our deepest fears and what consumes our thoughts.  It's as though they're having a one-to-one conversation, although they don't know us personally. 

Maybe it's a bit like reading your horoscope - you see the relevance to your own life because we want to and we're good at creating meaning.  It is actually what humans do - we are meaning-making machines!

Knowing that we create our own meaning can be the starting point for change because if we are the 'creators', we have choice. 

Perhaps, before 'fixing' meanings in our mind, we can consider what's happened and choose which one fits best - and here's another difference - not which one fits best in terms of defaulting back into old unwanted patterns, but more in terms of which one helps us live life differently - and in a more meaningful and empowered way.

The Yawning Abyss Inside

Have you ever longed to tell someone the truth yet haven't dared inside? 

Maybe you don't have the words, you're unsure of their reaction, you can't find the 'right' time and if you did tell them the truth, what would be the outcome?

Would you be better or worse off?  Would you be able to cope with what comes next?

How would you feel inside?  And what if the other person's response is different to what you had imagined?  Where would this leave you?

Pondering these questions recently, I was reminded of the following words from "The Healing Relationship in Gestalt Therapy" (Hycner and Jacobs):

"The human heart yearns for contact - above all it yearns for genuine dialogue.  Dialogue is at the heart of the human.  Without it we are not fully formed - there is a yawning abyss inside.

"Each of us secretly and desperately yearns to be "met" - to be recognised in our uniqueness, our fullness, and our vulnerability.  Without that, we are not fulfilled - we are not fully ourselves.

"The paradox of the human spirit is that I am not fully myself till I am recognised in my uniqueness by another - and that other person needs my recognition in order to fully become the unique person she or he is. 

"We are inextricably linked".

 

 

His great virtues are the flipside of his failings

I'm struck by a paragraph in one of the national papers about Gordon Brown - I quote:

"He has the ability to see where the politics of something is going.  But that means he is constantly trying to trick everything to get to where he wants".

Politics aside, I think this statement is saying that strengths and weaknesses go side by side, such as transparency versus deviousness, clarity of vision vs being blind.

Often we deny aspects of ourselves - they stay in the "shadow" because we're busy getting on with our lives and are managing OK.  It's not until we hit a crisis we begin to ask ourselves different questions, and then it's harder to change because we've got more to uncover.

Adults can be wonderfully defended.  We have spent years perfecting our craft that we often end up over-identifying with some part of ourselves, ie. I'm strong, I'm weak, I'm ambitious, I'm a pessimist, I'm not angry, I'm always happy! 

We are so much more, yet in being so much more, we have to expose ourselves to our "shadow" ....

Allan Shore defines mental health as the "ability to bear more pleasure and pain" and for me this represents being more open to our strengths and vulnerabilities.

Politicians have to play this game out in the public arena - yet I think each of us can learn from their lessons!

Spitting Feathers

I'm training to be an Integrative Arts Psychotherapist which means working with people's innate creativity and imagination to facilitate change and transformation.

Now I don't consider myself to be artistic - I can draw stick people and doodle and that's about it - so why do I want to work with the arts?

Have you ever felt so full of emotion you just don't know what to do with yourself?  If you don't let it out, you just might burst?  Or you don't have the words to convey what you want?

This happened to me the other day.  I felt angry.  Lots of things had happened and I'd kept them inside.  I didn't want to shout at people - yet on the inside, I wanted to shout very loud - to scream in somebody's face - and yet I didn't want to do this!  A sort of me-not me at play!

So what did I do instead?  I let my body do the talking.  How?  Just as you can feel emotion in different parts of your body, I used my hand with paint to vent my frustration - and it felt good, so good - to get how I was feeling out of me and down on paper.  I used charcoal, then paint to express how I felt - and my expression came from within.

Afterwards, I felt like a matador who had made his kill - victory, pride, job well done.  A huge release of energy - as though I had spoken and could move on.

Carl Rogers, the psychotherapist, says it is freeing "to destroy a hated object by destroying a symbol of it".  Far from being a reprehensible act, it is "responsible" because you are coming into touch with your own thoughts and feelings. 

This permission to be free "to think, to feel, to be, whatever is most inward within you" is part of creativity.  We have this innate ability to imagine and create, and working with the arts allows us to express ourselves from within - and to be more authentic.

I no longer feel angry.  Instead I feel energised and curious to find out more about the symbolic relationship between the matador and the bull and what it might mean for me, and how I can work with the image to develop and know more of my true self!

Learning To Sail In All Weathers

If you're thrown on to a desert island and want to get off, do you wait to be rescued, not knowing whether you have to wait for ever, or do you do something about it yourself?

What happens if you feel helpless like a puppet on strings being pulled in all directions with no control over life?  How will you find the strength required to look within to realise you are far more resourceful than you ever imagined so you can change and be more in control?

Talking to one of my clients who - metaphorically - has recently made the journey across the ocean and moved from feeling powerless to strong, the answer lies in her new-found belief about herself.  This didn't happen overnight yet formed part of a gradual realisation that she couldn't change the people around her - the only person she could change was herself.  

Interestingly, she said she couldn't have done it without support.  It was important for the adults supporting her to let her know they were in it with her for the long haul.  

Needless to say, her future looks far more positive and she's making spectacular progress.  She believes in herself and, although she knows there will be setbacks, just as the sun keeps on rising and setting, she knows she's strong and can come back too.

 

 

 

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose

Do you ever have problems you find particularly difficult to solve?  Pehaps you even have one or two problems you've been working on for years that are still ongoing?  It's particularly frustrating because you want to change, you want to know how to change, you make attempts to change but your efforts don't get you anywhere other than back to the starting point.

If you listen to people talk, you can hear it in their language - "I'm going round in circles", "I just keep on banging my head against a brick wall", "I take one step forward and two steps back the whole time".

The French proverb according to which the more something changes the more it remains the same relates to the relationship between persistence and change.  You work hard at trying to change something but nothing really changes.  It's like making a resolution each evening before you go to bed only to fail at the first hurdle the next morning.  This can relate to diets, exercise, homework, lifestyle, etc, and this pattern can go on for years.

So not only do you get despondent about not being able to make your desired change, you get despondent about being despondent about not being able to make your desired change, and the cycle thickens and intensifies and you just feel worse and worse.

So what can you do about it?  According to The Theory of Logical Types, the first step is to realise that there are two different types of change so you first need to understand where you are before you attempt to make any change.  This could save your hours and years of hardship.

The two types of change include:

(1) 1st Order Change: change within a given system which itself remains unchanged, ie. you're dreaming at night and within that dream you are changing because you move from one thing to the next, ie. running, jumping, skipping, etc but you stay within the system, that is, your dream. 

Your behaviour can change within the system but you are locked within the dream system.  You can persist at change yet the system remains the same and you can change but only within the system, and over time this can get frustrating!

(2) 2nd Order Change: change which changes the sytem itself, ie. you wake up from your dream.  You're now operating from a different system altogether and have moved from a dream state to a waking state which are two different systems.

If you decide to run, jump or skip within a waking state, this will create different results because you are operating from a different system altogether!

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So the saying, the more things change, the more they remain the same refers to 1st order change because you are still locked in the same system, and can go round in circles, backwards and forwards, endlessly!

So, as a starting point, when you want to make a change, it's good practice to understand the system you're operating in so you can be more in control of achieving better results from the word go.

Walk Talk

It is said that the astronaut Neil Armstrong fluffed his very first lines as he stepped out on the moon.   The story goes  he had meant to say "That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind".  Reporters claim he missed out the "a" before man ... and that made all the difference!  Later it's said that on hearing the original recording of his transmission, he exclaimed, "Damm, I really did it.  I blew the first words on the moon, didn't" I?

To have such a momentus occasion blighted over the years by a slip of the tongue seems rather harsh, yet I'm reminded of the risks we all face when we want to step out into the dark and unknown to do something new or different.  It's not always easy and being watched by millions, the pressure is even more intense. 

Sometimes we imagine we are being watched when we're not - it's just the movies we play inside our head.  So, it's not the physical risk we're so scared of, it's the mental aspect.  What we say to ourselves and in what sort of voice, and does this voice ever pause to allow us to take that step forward or is the 'play' button constantly on repeat?  

So we know our mental chatter can get in the way, and the same is true when we're talking with others.  The trick is to learn to switch off the inner voice so we can really pay attention and that means having the capacity to 'pause' play so we can be still and present.   That can be a tall order at times.

The first step to changing or quieting those inner voices that distract or get in the way is not to banish them to the dark but, in a safe way, to become more aware of them, perhaps even more curious about what they have to say.  There's rich learning in our shadow and the more we can invite  them to come out for a while in safety, the more opportunity we have to put them to rest when we're wanting to take that momentus first step or when we're talking with others.

So next time you become aware of those inner thoughts that take you off course, maybe you can just record or write them down and track what they're saying.  In that way, once the voices are down on paper, they're literally out of your head so you can, if you like, choose to do something different with them.

Creating Magic Out Of Thin Air

 

It's back to term and I'm excited because I'm starting a new freelance project involving teenagers and toddlers.   As well as aiming to reduce the teenage pregnancy rate, the 20-week project supports the development of young people's emotional intelligence.

Tomorrow we'll all meet for the first time.  The teenagers, toddlers and group facilitators.  Over 20 weeks we'll ride the highs and lows of getting to know each other and this is the exciting part because we're co-creating our relationship, like making magic out of thin air.

So how I am matters ... and that's important because it means I can model that it's OK to feel excited, apprehensive, scared, unsure - or whatever is going on for me - and in turn I can help model for the young people talking about feelings, uncertainties and lots more besides.

I have a huge sense of possibility, potential and hope within the air and I know this will help hold me through the bad times - maybe when I feel deskilled or have had tough days - so that we'll be able to come to the end together somehow changed and better for knowing one another.

So how you are matters, as well, and I'm wondering what relationships you'll co-create with the young people you meet this term, and what you'll hold in place for them so that they can fulfil more of their potential. 

What Constitutes A Psychologically Healthy Human Being?

A colleague of mine was telling me how she wants to get more involved in raising awareness of the dangers of gang culture as a result of recently witnessing a stabbing on a bus by two rival gangs of youth.

Nowadays we seem to hear a new story every day involving a fatal stabbing of a teenager by another young person.

There are so many conflicting reports about teenagers and knife crimes with differing views of what should be done to prevent this happening.  The most common crime prevention strategy I hear and read about is imprisonment.

It's the rare voice which publicly asks the bigger question of what actually causes the problem in the first place or is imprisonment an effective solution as government research shows re-offending among young people is on the increase!

There are three main reasons for young people carrying knives:

1. the intention to use them;
2. peer pressure;
3. self-defence.

Within this body of evidence is the worrying statistic that younger teenagers and even pre-teens are joining the trend of carrying knives or offensive weapons.

Dr Clare Graves' work on Spiral Dynamics, based on his fundamental question of "What constitutes a psychologically healthy mature human being?"  shows that after survival, the second most basic human need is for a sense of belonging.  This is a TRIBAL INSTINCT, going back to our hunter-gatherer roles, in which going around in groups ensure our greater survival.  In order for this to work effectively, the gang or tribe imposes rules and hierarchical structures.

This level of tribal instinct is all about people looking after each other.  As long as you are in the gang and obey its rules you're OK.  So it follows that if young people feel increasingly unsafe and cannot turn effectively to adults to meet this basic need, they're going to look elsewhere.

So when will we wake up to the fact that adults - and not young people - are at the heart of this gang culture problem?