"In Every Nursery There Are Ghosts" (Fraiberg)

KEY WORDS: maps - subjectivity – virtual other – internal representation

Motivational speakers often point out “change is easy” – all you have to do is follow a few simple rules and you can transform your life.

I’m not saying this is not true, but I am fascinated by the complexities of creating lasting change through a deeper understanding of how we’ve grown up from the time we were born, and even before.

One of the presuppositions in NLP is “to respect each other’s maps” so we work with a person’s subjective experience knowing that the past shapes present perceptions as we anticipate the next moment in time.

According to Aitken and Trevarthen, the concept of the “Virtual Other” (Siegel:1990:102) is the internal image we hold of our primary caregiver which is out of awareness yet present in our everyday communication.

In other words, the “Virtual Other” in NLP terms is an internal representation coded using our senses of smell, taste, touch, sight and sound. As infants we develop this capacity within our first year and this helps us to hold an absent parent in mind.

As we grow, we expand our set of “Virtual Others” to include key people in our life who ‘invisibly’ shape us over time and who come to life unexpectedly as we communicate with people in different contexts!

So, for example, you may or may not have had the experience of realising you suddenly said something which sounded just like your mother, or other people tell you you’re turning into her! This may or may not be good news!

As you consider the next time you’re talking to someone and you’re not getting the results you want, maybe you’re not just communicating to who you think you are or perhaps it’s your ability to perceive which is being blocked by one of your own “Virtual Others”!

I’m choosing to end on a ‘right brain’ note by including a short verse from the Finnish writer, Eva Kilpi:

As grandmothers die,
They become flowering meadows,
And some grandmothers become trees,
Singing and whispering to their grandchildren,
Protecting them from rain and wind,
They spread their boughs to create huts
Of snow to shelter them.
But before that they are passionate.

REFERENCES

S. Fraiberg, E. Adelson & V. Shapiro, 1975, ‘Ghosts in the nursery: a psychoanalytic approach to the problems of impaired infant-mother relationships’, Journal of Amer
Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 14, no. 3, pp. 387-421.

D.J.Siegel. (1999). The Developing Mind, Guildford Publications, Inc.. New York

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